Dear Former Dog Lover

Dear Aunt Nancis,

My large black labs are plotting against me and every stuffed toy in the house. What shall I do?

Signed, Former Dog Lover


Dear Former Dog Lover:

Doesn't your name say it all? You thought you could handle pet ownership, and perhaps you could have if you only had one dog. What's with the plural? This was your undoing.

Also, dogs cannot plot. If you have stuffed toys in your house (hopefully, you have a child/children - otherwise you are just a freak) you should put them away when you are finished playing with them to keep them out of harm's way. Didn't your mama teach you anything? She probably did, but you just ignored her and lived in your own little dream world...the kind you were in when you got these Labs in the first place.

- Aunt Nancis

dearauntnancis@gmail.com

Dear Anonymous

I recently received this comment on my blog:

? i have came in several times when i saw the blog updated on bloggers. i can never
understand what it's about. can you please tell this poor soul what your blogging about?

Dear Anonymous:

This blog is about helping people (albeit in a tongue-in-cheek manner). People write to Dear Aunt Nancis (or they used to - it seems to have slowed down somewhat) asking for advice. Aunt Nancis does her utmost to help these poor souls with their dilemmas. You sound like you may need some help. Please feel free to write to dearauntnancis@gmail.com and your problems will be solved forthwith.

Dear Tannin

Dear Aunt Nancis:

Smooth and Silky finish is my nickname. I was consuming so much Merlot that had smooth and silky finishes to them, that I thought it would be a cool nickname to give myself. Repeating the phrase, "wow, that wine as a smooth and silky finish" repeatedly almost becoming a mantra, I thought there is no better way to honour my fave Merlot than by adopting said phrase.

Again, I have no problem doing this, so why should anyone else?

I am feeling the urge for another name change however, that would easily reflect where my heart is.

Sign me,

Tannin

Dear Tannin:

In your previous letter to me (wherein you called yourself "Smooth and Silky Finish") you asked if I could recognise the signs of a true drinking problem. I have now done the research.

Sadly, one of the first signs is when you start to give yourself nicknames that reflect what you are currently drinking...

-Aunt Nancis

dearauntnancis@gmail.com

Dear Smooth and Silky Finish

Dear Aunt Nancis:

I've been told I have a drinking problem and that I consume too much wine. I'm concerned because I really don't see what the big deal is about. For me, drinking isn't a problem so I dont' understand what all the fuss is about.

Aunt Nancis, what are the signs of a true drinking problem? Is it running out of booze and spending the last few shackles that were set aside for milk at the liquor store instead?

Or is a drinking problem when your family life interfers with some serious drinking time?

I don't get it.

Sign me,
smooth and silky finish.

Dear Smooth and Silky Finish: (and what the hell kind of a name is that?!?!?)

I don't see where you have a drinking problem at all. Sure, you're not flat on your back somewhere, are you? You can obviously sit upright and compose a letter to yours truly. Nothing wrong with you at all.

The problem is with the people who tell you that you are an alcoholic. They are jealous. The recession has probably hit them very hard indeed and they can no longer afford to drink themselves silly like you can.

And if your family is interefering with your drinking time, either get them hooked early or throw them out!

-Aunt Nancis

dearauntnancis@gmail.com

Dear Rita

Dear Aunt Nancis,

I am worried about my friend. He thinks he is Roy Cropper. His email address is roysrolls. How sad is that?

Rita

Dear Rita:

Is it that bad to think you might be Roy Cropper? He's sweet, well-intentioned, smart, has his own business, and is married to the local transgendered male.

You should be more worried about yourself. Yes, I noticed that you signed this letter "Rita". Rita snipes at her business partner, drinks copious amounts of gin, has been married many times, and in her younger days was a "performer".

A very sad role model, indeed.

-Aunt Nancis

dearauntnancis@gmail.com

Dear Worried Friend

Dear Aunt Nancis,

I have a friend that seems a tad obsessed with gin. I write her an email and ask what she is doing over the weekend or in the evening and she says drinking gin. She also calls herself Rita and talks about Audrey, Blanche, and Liz who I know to be characters off Coronation Street.

What should I do.

Worried Friend


Dear Worried Friend:

First off, there's nothing wrong with naming yourself after a character on Corrie. Or even pretending you are Rita, or Audrey, or any of the above named. We've all done it from time to time.

The problem is that your friend is an alcoholic. This takes her out of the realm of Corrie because, as we all know, there are no alcoholics on that show (unlike the dirty gobshites on Eastenders who can drink man and beast under the table).

There is nothing you can do. Just buy her a bottle and quietly change the channel to Eastenders.

-Aunt Nancis

dearauntnancis@gmail.com

Dear Purse Addict

Dear Aunt Nancis,

I have a big problem. I have a purse addiction. Every time I buy a purse, I say that is the last one I'm buying...until the next must have purse comes along. Please help me. I am out of control!

Purse Addict.

Dear Purse Addict:

You do not have a problem.

Buying purses is not an addiction; it's an art form that must be reinforced with every new bag for every new season. The excitement of owning a new bag can only be matched by...well, that kind of excitement can't be matched. It's a glory onto itself to own a designer bag.

You are only out of control if you buy more than one of the same bag.

Buy on, sister, buy on.

-Aunt Nancis

dearauntnancis@gmail.com

Dear Worried

Dear Aunt Nancy's,

I have a sister who seems to be very attached to her genuia pigs. She calls herself momma and the mad woman. I am very worried that the she is losing her grip on reality.

Worried

Dear Worried:

Like all those who are animal obsessed, your sister has already lost her grip on reality. If she has children, I feel sorry for them that they have to listen to their mother telling the pigs she is their momma. Of course, maybe her children ARE pigs and I don't know what I'm talking about.

As for calling herself a mad woman, I agree.

-Aunt Nancis

dearauntnancis@gmail.com

Dear Fanatical Fan

Dear Aunt Nancis,

I've got a bit of an obsession with Elton John. I am thinking of
developing a Winehouse-style addiction in hopes that he'll take me in for rehab. Even though I have appeared on The NTV Evening News on two occasions, I fear I will not fall into the celebrity fighting addiction category that get invited.

Nor have I have ever been invited to his Grammy party and I fail to understand why. I have seen some of those invited guests and they are not all that...

My celebrity worshipping have gone unrewarded - so far... I will admit that there may be a thin line between celebrity worshipping and actual stalking...yep...I know the line...

Aunt Nancis, I am begging for your help. I MUST meet Sir Elton!

Fanatical Fan

Dear Fanatical Fan:

Although I have great pull in celebrity circles, I am sadly unable to help you in your quest to meet Sir Elton. He and I had a falling out a few years ago and...never mind.

Perhaps you are wasting your time on all this; Elton is obviously not interested in you constantly flinging yourself at him.

However, I think if you take all this energy and fling it in the direction of his husband, David Furnish, you might get closer to your goal. As you know, Furnish (a lovely Canadian boy) is a film maker. I'm sure he has nothing better to do at the moment than to film you living out your fantasies to stalk Elton John. Or he may call the police. His call.

Let me know how it goes.

-Aunt Nancis

dearauntnancis@gmail.com

Dear Dog Lover

Dear Aunt Nancis

I have a sister that freaks out whenever my darling dog, Freshie, goes near her? How do I get them to be best friends?

Dog Lover

Dear Dog Lover:

You won't. Some people just don't like dogs - or any animal for that matter. Animals are smelly, little tick-y things hide in their fur, they lick themselves, and they have no manners. I dare say your sister doesn't like humans that fall under that description, either.

I would advise you to have your animals put down before your sister comes to visit.

-Aunt Nancis

dearauntnancis@gmail.com

Dear Desperate Duck

Dear Aunt Nancis,

I have a major problem. I have sisters who write far funnier and wittier blogs than the one I write. And worse, sometimes mine contains errors in punctuation or grammar! I feel inadequate. What can I do about this?

With much groveling,

Desperate Duck

Dear Desperate Duck:

Obviously, you are a shite writer. You should give up now before you embarrass yourself.

As for your sisters, I encourage them to keep writing. If their superior writing skills are making you feel inadequate, perhaps this will be the push you need to get off your arse and really throw yourself into your work.

-Aunt Nancis

dearauntnancis@gmail.com

Dear Me...

I want to be an official Agony Aunt. I want to help people and set them on the straight and narrow. Teach them good from bad; right from wrong; day from night; Corrie from Eastenders; CNTM from ANTM.

Okay, not really. But I will answer your questions. Efficiently. In a timely manner. Expeditiously.

Okay, not really. But send them to dearauntnancis@gmail.com