Dear Aunt Nancis,

I am having trouble deciding on whether or not black eyeliner is appropriate for someone in their late 30's. I love black eyeliner and black mascara. Should I switch to brown?

Black is Best


Dear Black:

Hard to answer, seeing as I don't know what you look like. However, assuming you are human, I would suggest black eyeliner is always appropriate no matter what the age of the wearer. But, at the risk of touting an actual product, I think Cover Girl Eyelights is the best mascara - just match it to your eye colour and you're good to go. Thanks, Tyra Banks...the list of things I've learned from America's Next Top Model keeps on growing!

- Aunt Nancis

auntnancis@gmail.com

Dear Former Dog Lover

Dear Aunt Nancis,

My large black labs are plotting against me and every stuffed toy in the house. What shall I do?

Signed, Former Dog Lover


Dear Former Dog Lover:

Doesn't your name say it all? You thought you could handle pet ownership, and perhaps you could have if you only had one dog. What's with the plural? This was your undoing.

Also, dogs cannot plot. If you have stuffed toys in your house (hopefully, you have a child/children - otherwise you are just a freak) you should put them away when you are finished playing with them to keep them out of harm's way. Didn't your mama teach you anything? She probably did, but you just ignored her and lived in your own little dream world...the kind you were in when you got these Labs in the first place.

- Aunt Nancis

dearauntnancis@gmail.com

Dear Anonymous

I recently received this comment on my blog:

? i have came in several times when i saw the blog updated on bloggers. i can never
understand what it's about. can you please tell this poor soul what your blogging about?

Dear Anonymous:

This blog is about helping people (albeit in a tongue-in-cheek manner). People write to Dear Aunt Nancis (or they used to - it seems to have slowed down somewhat) asking for advice. Aunt Nancis does her utmost to help these poor souls with their dilemmas. You sound like you may need some help. Please feel free to write to dearauntnancis@gmail.com and your problems will be solved forthwith.

Dear Tannin

Dear Aunt Nancis:

Smooth and Silky finish is my nickname. I was consuming so much Merlot that had smooth and silky finishes to them, that I thought it would be a cool nickname to give myself. Repeating the phrase, "wow, that wine as a smooth and silky finish" repeatedly almost becoming a mantra, I thought there is no better way to honour my fave Merlot than by adopting said phrase.

Again, I have no problem doing this, so why should anyone else?

I am feeling the urge for another name change however, that would easily reflect where my heart is.

Sign me,

Tannin

Dear Tannin:

In your previous letter to me (wherein you called yourself "Smooth and Silky Finish") you asked if I could recognise the signs of a true drinking problem. I have now done the research.

Sadly, one of the first signs is when you start to give yourself nicknames that reflect what you are currently drinking...

-Aunt Nancis

dearauntnancis@gmail.com

Dear Smooth and Silky Finish

Dear Aunt Nancis:

I've been told I have a drinking problem and that I consume too much wine. I'm concerned because I really don't see what the big deal is about. For me, drinking isn't a problem so I dont' understand what all the fuss is about.

Aunt Nancis, what are the signs of a true drinking problem? Is it running out of booze and spending the last few shackles that were set aside for milk at the liquor store instead?

Or is a drinking problem when your family life interfers with some serious drinking time?

I don't get it.

Sign me,
smooth and silky finish.

Dear Smooth and Silky Finish: (and what the hell kind of a name is that?!?!?)

I don't see where you have a drinking problem at all. Sure, you're not flat on your back somewhere, are you? You can obviously sit upright and compose a letter to yours truly. Nothing wrong with you at all.

The problem is with the people who tell you that you are an alcoholic. They are jealous. The recession has probably hit them very hard indeed and they can no longer afford to drink themselves silly like you can.

And if your family is interefering with your drinking time, either get them hooked early or throw them out!

-Aunt Nancis

dearauntnancis@gmail.com

Dear Rita

Dear Aunt Nancis,

I am worried about my friend. He thinks he is Roy Cropper. His email address is roysrolls. How sad is that?

Rita

Dear Rita:

Is it that bad to think you might be Roy Cropper? He's sweet, well-intentioned, smart, has his own business, and is married to the local transgendered male.

You should be more worried about yourself. Yes, I noticed that you signed this letter "Rita". Rita snipes at her business partner, drinks copious amounts of gin, has been married many times, and in her younger days was a "performer".

A very sad role model, indeed.

-Aunt Nancis

dearauntnancis@gmail.com

Dear Worried Friend

Dear Aunt Nancis,

I have a friend that seems a tad obsessed with gin. I write her an email and ask what she is doing over the weekend or in the evening and she says drinking gin. She also calls herself Rita and talks about Audrey, Blanche, and Liz who I know to be characters off Coronation Street.

What should I do.

Worried Friend


Dear Worried Friend:

First off, there's nothing wrong with naming yourself after a character on Corrie. Or even pretending you are Rita, or Audrey, or any of the above named. We've all done it from time to time.

The problem is that your friend is an alcoholic. This takes her out of the realm of Corrie because, as we all know, there are no alcoholics on that show (unlike the dirty gobshites on Eastenders who can drink man and beast under the table).

There is nothing you can do. Just buy her a bottle and quietly change the channel to Eastenders.

-Aunt Nancis

dearauntnancis@gmail.com